the motorway

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Not so much about any particular event as such, but I guess just about some kind of realisation. This idea that there is someone for everyone is just rubbish. I've been pretty sooky, and kinda gone through the five stages of acceptance in my head - shock, anger, fear, bargaining, acceptance. I'm not sure I'm totally at acceptance yet, but pretty close. So as a result of all this thinking time, big questions have started to creep in - the biggest questions. And while I think everyone wonders them at some point, for most people, the path is pretty well laid out. I mean, you find a partner, breed, visit Ikea on a sunday, etc etc. Your meaning on this earth shifts focus from yourself to your partner and or family, and thats enough to keep those pesky un-answered questions from sneaking back into your brain at night. "What is my purpose on earth? Oh thats right, to raise my kids to be the best they can be" or "..to share a life with my partner and be happy." So what becomes of the rest of us?

Being raised as a Catholic, going to church every sunday, attending a Catholic boys high school and then out and out rejecting religion in all it's forms, once I had the critical and intellectual skills to see how ludicrous they were being; you would think that finding religion wouldn't even be considered as a remote option, and it's not. Though admittedly the thought of going to church crossed my mind for about 5 seconds on the way home from work. What the fuck though, seriously. I'm not even going to get started on how completely against all my principles that would be. What of other religions? For me, same deal. I am an athiest, through and through. No, I am NOT going to find god on my death bed, and quite frankly if heaven is full of Christians, I'd rather go to hell (thanks Bill Hicks).

So, family seems out. Religion is definitely out. I've thought about doing volunteer work. I'm not sure in what capacity, but I do genuinely want to contribute positively to society. I realise the world does not revolve around me, and despite my woes, I have it pretty fucking good compared to most. Thats not lost on me. But is charity and volunteer work going to light the fuse that guides me to what my purpose in life is? Fucked if I know.

Get a dog? Yep - thought a lot about that. pretty close to doing that too - or a cat maybe (called Chairman Meow). Thing is, I can see myself leaving Melbourne in the next year or two. That's not some kind of airy fairy dream, and it's not some subconscious threat - it's something I am planning for - so how can I leave a dog or cat? And really, what kind of life's purpose is to look after your dog?

For the first time in my life, I am really at a loss as to what to do. Work bores the shit out of me, nothing in my free time is particularly stimulating right now, and I have nothing on the horizon. And see - there is another one of those questions creeping in again..

Is this it?