sunday night

So I'm sitting in my room, at my desk. It's 10:54pm, sunday night, and I'm listening to Jens Lekman. The only light is coming from the computer monitor. Such an odd existence. I spend my entire working week sitting in front a computer, and then when I get home, I sit in front of my laptop. When I go to bed my laptop usually comes to bed with me. I go to work, where I have an office. I only speak to people when I am involved in some project or something is broken, and 90% of the time, it's via phone conference to people in singapore, china, japan, the USA, germany, etc. I never see my boss, and rarely speak to him. I go to work, do what I need to do, then come home. Rinse, repeat.

Week nights are spent at home, on my laptop, playing games, surfing the web, listening to music. Weekends are pretty much the same. I see my flat mate, and speak to him, but really thats about it. I try to go and eat dinner with my parents once a week - thats about the extent of my interaction with people.

Right now, I am completely unmoved by work. Apathetic is the best word. It's not something I really want to do, and it's not something i have to care about all that much.

I have no inspiration or motivation to create art at the moment. I should force myself to go out and take some new photos, but I cant help but think to myself "why?". It's like when you live alone, you rarely cook, and very rarely make a nice meal. I mean, you spend money, take the time to cook something, and then sit down to enjoy it - by yourself. What's the point? Not that I am in any way looking for back-patting or re-assurance from anyone, but y'know if a tree falls in the woods, et. al.

I wish my life was a book, so I could skip forward a couple of chapters and just glance at the paragraphs - I dont want to read ahead, just check to make sure things turn out ok. Choose your own Adventure would be great too - I could keep my fingers bookmarking each page before I make a decision.

The strange thing is that the more I feel alone, the less I want to be around people. It's like every other person is together and winning at life, just to spite me. Which of course is just fucked, but there you go - Im just riding this wave, hoping not to drown, y'know?

The most comforting thing for me at the moment, is this weird regression back into childhood. The small of crappy Dominos pizza, the music from an 8-bit NES game like Megaman, movies like Big Trouble in Little China and Back to the Future, cartoons, red lemonade, etc etc. I was a child of the 80's and could crap on about 80's pop culture a lot, but I wont. I'm just unsure whether this is healthy behaviour. I mean, am I trying to escape this issue, or is this merely a good way to re-establish myself and who I am as a person, because the truth is, I'm not entirely sure these days. The way I look at it, is that revisitng the past is a good way to re-calibrate where you are headed. I'd really love to catch up with some people from my childhood years - my old next door neighbor especially. We basically grew up together and spent about 10 years hanging out every day after school and on weekends. There are also a few people I'd like to catch up with from highschool - though in person, rather than via facefuck.

I mean, if I feel ok thinking about and doing these things, then surely it's not a bad thing for me to do. Who the fuck knows, eh?

One thing I did realise tonight, is that sometimes, as much as you wanna continue to look back and wonder what if, you have to just shut the fuck up, turn around, and start walking. And really, walking isnt hard - it's just one step after the other.

This entire blog post is complete rambling bullshit. Disregard.

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Not so much about any particular event as such, but I guess just about some kind of realisation. This idea that there is someone for everyone is just rubbish. I've been pretty sooky, and kinda gone through the five stages of acceptance in my head - shock, anger, fear, bargaining, acceptance. I'm not sure I'm totally at acceptance yet, but pretty close. So as a result of all this thinking time, big questions have started to creep in - the biggest questions. And while I think everyone wonders them at some point, for most people, the path is pretty well laid out. I mean, you find a partner, breed, visit Ikea on a sunday, etc etc. Your meaning on this earth shifts focus from yourself to your partner and or family, and thats enough to keep those pesky un-answered questions from sneaking back into your brain at night. "What is my purpose on earth? Oh thats right, to raise my kids to be the best they can be" or "..to share a life with my partner and be happy." So what becomes of the rest of us?

Being raised as a Catholic, going to church every sunday, attending a Catholic boys high school and then out and out rejecting religion in all it's forms, once I had the critical and intellectual skills to see how ludicrous they were being; you would think that finding religion wouldn't even be considered as a remote option, and it's not. Though admittedly the thought of going to church crossed my mind for about 5 seconds on the way home from work. What the fuck though, seriously. I'm not even going to get started on how completely against all my principles that would be. What of other religions? For me, same deal. I am an athiest, through and through. No, I am NOT going to find god on my death bed, and quite frankly if heaven is full of Christians, I'd rather go to hell (thanks Bill Hicks).

So, family seems out. Religion is definitely out. I've thought about doing volunteer work. I'm not sure in what capacity, but I do genuinely want to contribute positively to society. I realise the world does not revolve around me, and despite my woes, I have it pretty fucking good compared to most. Thats not lost on me. But is charity and volunteer work going to light the fuse that guides me to what my purpose in life is? Fucked if I know.

Get a dog? Yep - thought a lot about that. pretty close to doing that too - or a cat maybe (called Chairman Meow). Thing is, I can see myself leaving Melbourne in the next year or two. That's not some kind of airy fairy dream, and it's not some subconscious threat - it's something I am planning for - so how can I leave a dog or cat? And really, what kind of life's purpose is to look after your dog?

For the first time in my life, I am really at a loss as to what to do. Work bores the shit out of me, nothing in my free time is particularly stimulating right now, and I have nothing on the horizon. And see - there is another one of those questions creeping in again..

Is this it?