The office of births, deaths and marriages

A lot has changed in my life over the last few months. Most notable to me anyway, is that I have moved into my own apartment. Friends have announced they are getting married (in countries 10+ hours away by plane), other friends have encountered pretty horrible and debilitating sickness. Things feel like they are spreading out in some ways - people moving further apart, life events seem to have more room to breathe. It's strange to me because my whole life I have had a fairly strong sense of purpose and direction, but I found myself sitting on the couch the other night not really knowing what to do next.

It's certainly not the worst predicament you could find yourself in - I'm doing ok, am comfortable and am grateful for that. It's just at odds with how I have been for the first 35 years. I am comfortable with just sailing along using only the breeze to guide me for a bit. Lets see what happens.

Throughout all the moving and changing social climate and babies I have been playing Yakuza 4 and am now convinced that it is an amazingly underrated and brilliant masterpiece. I plan to write something in-depth on it soon, so I wont go on and on about it here, but the sheer scale of the game is astounding. It has been the only real constant in my life of late - even work is evolving day by day.

One of the many upsides (and there are plenty of downsides) to having my own place now is that my work desk is out of my room and in the living area, placed in a way that will encourage me to start writing, creating, recording a lot more. I also seem to have a lot more time on my hands, so we'll see what comes of it.

That's it for now, easing myself back into regular crapping on. Hopefully I'll have interesting things to say about stuff next time.

from melbourne to anywhere

Floods, locusts, fires, plagues - you name it, we have almost every biblical disaster there is. No angel of death yet, but I look forward to that. My first born son you say? I'm single with no children - stick that up your pew. The floods in Brisvegas were amazing - I managed to ignore them for a few days but was truly astounded by their magnitude - it was like watching a train wreck in super slow motion. What we are left with is several people dead and a huge repair bill. Of course at the same time there were mudslides happening in Brazil, where 300+ people were killed, just to keep things in perspective. Not to be outdone, Victoria is also having a number of floods. Unfortunately I think the public interest in floods is waning - sorry Swan Hill, we just aren't that interested any more.

Several billion dollars is the estimated cost to fix up Queensland, which sounds like a lot - I think I heard Kevin-oh-seven mention 1% of Australia's GDP. Still, compared to other natural disasters, it's not so bad. The city of Kobe was practically rebuilt from the ground up after the 1995 earthquake. 6434 dead, USD$102.5 billion repair bill. Again, perspective. Makes you wonder what will happen when The Big One finally hits California. Lets hope that doesn't happen in May-June this year when I will be over there.

On Friday night, I saw The Fighter starring Christian Bale and Marky Mark. I am no fan of boxing, and while I dont dig on the subject matter, I realise that I can still love a film about boxing if it is a good film (Raging Bull is a great example). This however was not a great film. I think the story was an interesting one - particularly the complex relationships between the family members, but watching the rise to World Champion play out was as boring and predictable as Rocky. Another reason that I find it difficult to warm to this film was Christian Bale. He did a reasonable job of playing his character, but I cant get past how much of a twat he is in real life. That should have no bearing on whether the movie is a good one, but for me I'm sad to say it does. Just like I could never enjoy a film starring Denzel Washington.

On top of everything else, I had seen True Grit only a few days earlier and thought it was a great film - good story, amazing characters and performances - so I couldn't help but compare the two. Apparently The Fighter is getting good reviews, but then so did Titanic.

I have started playing around with some game dev tools for os x. Nothing too involved yet, but I'm excited by the idea. I have a bunch of ideas for interactive pieces, but I'm wondering how far I will get with limited programming skills. In other news I'm still not quite sure where I am going to move to. I basically have till June this year to find a new place to live. I'm going to try and hook something up via an E3 Visa in the US (SF maybe), or the UK. I would still really like to move to Japan too, but have pretty much decided I dont want to teach, leaving me with very little other options for work there. Either way, now that I have completed my degree and have a pretty good pedigree of experience, I'm hoping I can get out of Melbourne for at least a couple of years. It's pretty exciting actually.

In the meantime, I'm working a lot - which is ok I guess. I'm enjoying it at the moment at that is the important thing.

This is one of those writing-as-outlet type posts, so if you dont want to read my ramblings.. well what the hell are you doing here anyway? Currently in my room with the lamp on, listening to Tonspuren by Move D. It's the mood I'm in.

For the last couple of weeks, I haven't been well. I haven't mentioned this to anybody, in some ways out of stupidity, in others out of denial. I have been having chest pains and heartburn - sounds all very innocent, but heartburn that lasts two weeks? At times I could feel my heart beating very hard in my chest and struggled to breathe at other times. I dismissed all this at first, blaming a particularly rough patch in the constant battle that is eating well. A few days passed and it got worse, though sometimes I was ok. Usually late at night when lying on the couch, I'd feel my worst - struggling to breathe, feeling pressure on my chest.

Now when you're twenty, you dismiss this kinda deal and move on - nothing stays around for very long and if you're like me, you just get over stuff. I'm now 34 however, and not exactly fit. As the first week dragged on, the idea that I was about to have a heart attack crossed my mind more than once. I even tried to self-diagnose on webmd.com - going by the symptoms, I could have had any number of things. I kept telling myself I should go see a doctor. I have even heard that if you go in complaining of chest pains, you dont even have to wait, they will see you straight away. By the end of the first week, I had started to eat very healthy - sushi, salads, veggies, I even stopped drinking coffee (well for like two days). In the back of my mind I kept thinking see a doctor - it's probably some cancer that if they catch early I'll be fine but because I have put off seeing a doctor I'm probably fucked - it's probably too late.

Obviously when you start to think more and more about this kind of thing, your mind puts together various scenarios - what hospital would I end up in? Who would come visit? I guess I wont ever live in Japan now..

This is all very over the top and sensationalist and in some ways stupid and ridiculous you say - I agree. After approximately two weeks, the problems disappeared just like that and life resumed as normal. After speaking with my parents and discovering that I was born with something called reflux and finding out that most of my family still suffer from it, I am assuming that is what I was experiencing. If it comes back, I will go and see a doctor immediately and confirm this, but for now, I'm back to fit and healthy for the foreseeable future.

What all these thoughts of early death did make me realise is this: no matter how I constructed the end in my head, I honestly never at any point really cared about dying. That's not to say I have lost the will to live or anything even remotely as dramatic as that sounds, but I imagine the most people, given a short life expectancy, try to make the absolute most of every day they have left. They try to accomplish things, achieve goals, etc. For me, I couldn't really think of anything that I wanted to do. At the time, I didn't consider the end of my life to be a tragedy in any way. Life is like that - one day you are here, the next you have cancer, then 6 months later, you're gone and everyone who knew you moves on. Thats how it is.

I imagine that when parents face the prospect of death, the fact that they will no longer see their children stings. I imagine likewise when a child loses a parent. Loved ones, work colleagues, lifes work, goals, achievements - people usually mourn that all ending. At the time, when I seriously was considering that I may be about to die, I honesty didn't really care all that much.

So that got me thinking - is my life really so mundane, that I dont really care if I'm alive or not? Again - dont get me wrong, this is not about artificially ending anyone's life, nor is this me sooking - I'm just trying to work out why I have nothing that I would really miss. Friends and family sure - but it's like I all too easily accepted my fate. Post-chest pain episode, once I was feeling healthy again, I felt a lot more upbeat, and started to think that maybe I should miss aspects of my life, were I to die.

I made a list of things, ordered by priority in a notebook. Three things that stand in the way of me being a pretty bloody happy guy. I made sub points, like what I need to do to achieve each point. I wrote specifics, with dates. I stopped short of a gantt chart. Number 1 has a milestone on Oct 20, and an end date of Nov 20. Putting that down on paper already makes me feel great. Number 2 relates to finding a real job. I have a 90% complete CV, and will start getting my folio together this week. That has a readiness date of Nov 1. Number 3 is ongoing, and will have to wait until Dec or Jan. I just added a Number 4. I called it Meeting People Is Easy. I really do feel like I need to meet people. Not quite sure how.

So this is me committing this stuff really only for myself, but published in a place I can read anywhere anytime. Despite feeling like my life should mean more than it does, I was pretty happy with how calmly I thought I would be able to handle the potential crisis. Being actually put in that situation will be a whole different story, I'm sure.

midweek motivation: eat well, get fit, play video games

I have been listening to Plastic Beach by the Gorillaz for most of this week - it's in my car cd player and I have been literally listening to it on repeat. It's been a very long time since I have done that with an album, perhaps Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, though as much as I love it, that is a simple collection of pop songs, and as a result I am kinda done with it for a while. Plastic Beach on the other hand is a rich almost concept album (from an almost concept band). I am not a huge fan of hip hop if I'm honest, and other than a few tracks here and there, I never really took the first couple of Gorillaz albums seriously - probably because neither did Albarn + co. This album though is a very different beast - in no way is it dumbed down or gimmicky. It tells an interesting and surreal story and doesn't care whether you are along for the ride or not. Very mature sound, and in some ways bordering on genius. I rate this record better than any Blur album and much better than the Arcade Fire record that arrived recently. Blah blah, yada yada - just go get the album and give it a few listens. It's amazing.

In other news, I went to a gym tonight for the first time since the incident - that which I had my bag, wallet, keys and clothes stolen before the thief charged ~$500 to a visa card. Anyway I'm over that and back trying to maintain some sort of fitness. I'm feeling pretty sore right now if I'm honest. I have also been trying to kind of shift towards healthier eating. I cooked ratatouille on monday night, had an amazing stir fry from Vegie Bar last night and sushi for lunch today. A bunch of fruit thrown in (and a cheeky muffin with coffee or occasional tim tam, I mean you gotta have some fucking enjoyment in your life). Unfortunately after the gym tonight I was starving like I haven't been a while and ended up at China Bar where I had dumplings, then BBQ pork on rice. Very fatty and not healthy. Ah well, tomorrow is another day, and I mean this is a process of shifting to healthier eating not a fucking diet.

Still playing Puzzle Quest 2, though right near the end I suspect. Finished FFXIII, and over grinding. Have done 60/64 missions and am done with that game for now. Thinking about grabbing Shining Force for iPhone.. Also looking forward to a big gaming weekend as I think I have the house to myself. Hoorah.

hotham court

I dont have many friends. Hard to believe, you gasp, but it's true. I have never been one to have a huge number of friends but what I lack in numbers, I make up for in loyalty. Even now, almost all of my friends have been in my life for 15+ years, some longer. One in particular (lets call him Ben) has been in my life for a very long time. So long in fact, that we went to kindergarden together, primary school together, high school together, we even attended the same uni (at least for a year until I got over it and dropped out, opting for the life of a working stiff). I'm 34, he just turned 35. I estimate that we have been mates (not just known each other but actually been good mates) for almost 30 years. That both makes me feel great and old. When you know someone for that long, you realise that regardless of what happens, nothing is going to get in the way of your friendship.

Not only are we friends, but our families are also friends. We have spent many christmases and easters together, many birthdays and even holidayed together. When I was about 12, I used to spend a lot of time over at his place, not because he always had much better toys than I did (which he did), but because I really liked hanging out with his family. Ben had the top floor of the house almost completely to himself, and this included a lounge/gaming area, so we spent a lot of time playing video games. My earliest game related memories all involve being at Ben's house, and it all began on his older brother's Spectrum. I dont remember much about this except the rubbery keys. I think we were too young to interact too much with this computer, but we did get some games running.

On friday nights, for many years, my parents would go over to Ben's house for a social drink and to play cards. It all sounds much more criminal underworld than it actually was - they would play Acee Doocee or Seven and a half (which is essentially blackjack where the picture cards are "halfs") and play for money, but we are talking 20 cents. They would all bring any change they had and only play for change. It really was innocent fun and these fridays are some of my most treasured childhood memories. You see because the card games and laughing went late into the night, so I was allowed to stay up late with Ben, playing games, listening to music, just generally hanging out.

At some point, Ben got an Apple ][+ - The first real computer that I was exposed to. I'm not sure where it came from, or where the games came from, but this computer had a profound effect on my life. We played games like Karateka and Captain Goodnight and Ghostbusters on the black and white monitor. We used to spend hours typing out code from computer magazines to get the computer to generate an image of a car or plane, or we'd load up code for an adventure game. At some point, we began writing code for our own original (well kinda) choose your own adventure style game. You are standing in a room, press 1 to go north. I think it's fair to say that my love of games and gaming had sprouted, ready to bloom when the right game came along. I loved this computer a lot, and would love to get hold of a working one. Meanwhile, my dad bought a Tandy 1000 286 with green monochrome monitor and x2 5.25" floppy drives. I had some games on that too - America's Cup, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Zaxxon - but none were as great as those games on the Apple ][+

As I mentioned in my last post, for a period of time I would go to the bowling alley on a wednesday night - well that was also with this Ben and his dad. Wednesday night was league night, so while Ben's dad would bowl with his cousins, Ben and I would play video games. I mentioned that this is where I first played Super Mario Bros - well around this time, Ben's parents had been to Hong Kong (I think? Or some other exotic overseas destination - at this point in my life, our family didnt have that much money, so the idea of going overseas seemed like something I would probably never get to do in my lifetime). When they came back, they brought with them a NES console, and LOADS of games. Some licensed Nintendo games, and a bunch of 20 games in one bootleg carts. Now at this point in time, I also had a NES, with SMB and Duck Hunt (dual cart), Castlevania, Metroid, Zelda, and Megaman. I may have had a couple of others but for the life of my I cant remember what else. Ben's parents however, brought back a whole universe of games - most of which I'd never even heard of. It was awesome.

One that I had heard of was Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, and there it was, in all it's gold cart glory. Now I reckon I was 13 years old at this point, and my love for the first Zelda game was immense. I had never heard of Miyamoto, and probably wasnt even aware that the game was Japanese, but I knew I loved it more than most other things in life. I think I was the perfect age for the consumption of the NES and it's games - probably why I still have such a soft spot for it.

Anyway, it's friday night, I'm 13 and I'm at Ben's house upstairs in front of the tv playing Zelda II while the adults talk and laugh downstairs. We probably had pizza for dinner, and have some kind of lollies and lemonade. Sure the game was fucking hard, and I never finished it (though I did make it to the last level), but these really were the best of times, not the blurst of times, and Zelda II, Shigeru Miyamoto, Nintendo and Ben all played a part. This is not borrowed nostalgia, this is the real deal.

As an adult, not much has changed. To be honest, I still feel a lot like the 13 year old boy I was - content with a good mate, pizza and some great video games. My idea of a great day off work is to do pretty much what I was doing in 1989. Sure I might add a bottle of shiraz and some koko black chocolates to the mix, but ultimately I'm still that kid. I can only conclude that I'll always be that kid too. Last year, one of my awesome sisters gave me a NES console for my birthday. It was one of the best presents I have received (actually I was sent to a cooking class this year and that too was an amazing gift). Perhaps I should hunt down that gold cart on ebay, take some time off work and finally close the book on Zelda II. That, to me, sounds brilliant.

games

I was recently asked to name my top 5 arcade games of all time. This to me, is like being asked to name your top 5 songs of all time - it could change daily depending on mood or requires further criteria; games that changed your life, games that you played most, games that have stood the test of time, etc. For a while, I considered Holland, 1945 by Neutral Milk Hotel to be the perfect song - raw emotion, brilliant song writing, dirty raw sound, honest and real. I could listen to it any time of day and it would always make me feel something. It reminds me of a time and place; a set of emotions - it was the soundtrack to a section of my life that resides right at the end of a chapter. Today however, while I maintain it's a great song, it wouldn't be in my top 5 songs of all time. Maybe tomorrow but not today.

For me, games have had a similar if not more profound impact on my life - and I'm talking a very early age. This is not a geek-cred wang measuring competition, but to give you an idea how far back this goes, I remember typing out code onto a Spectrum computer at around age 10. I remember typing code from computer magazines into an Apple ][ plus to draw a picture of a sports car and then not knowing how to save the code, so once the computer was powered down, all the hours of coding were gone. Our family had an Atari 2600 back when I was in primary school, I played friends Colecovisions and Commodore 64's. Amstrads, Amigas, x86, NES, gameboy, etc etc.

As well as this, I was playing arcade games from when I was just a lad. I remember riding my BMX down to the local gym because there was a Phoenix table-top cabinet there. I used to have an after school paper round that earned me a princely sum of ~$5. The round was on a tuesday after school, and once it was done, I'd blow all five bucks on doughnuts, coke and Twin Cobra. When I was around 12, my mum was working in Melbourne at a TAB. If I had the day off, sometimes she'd let me come into the city with her and spend the day watching a movie, eating McDonalds and playing video games. It's one of the fondest memories I have of that time. Above the Hoyts mid-city cinema just outside the entrance to each of the theaters, there was a huge game arcade. It was here I experienced the stand up Discs of Tron cabinet. It was also here I played Outrun (moving cab), Wonderboy, Space Harrier, actually a bunch of games by Yu Suzuki, 720 degrees and loads more. I think this is where my love of gaming has it's roots. There were a number of other game arcades around Melbourne at that time too, all with the latest Japanese games in them, moving cabinets and all.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I started going to bowling nights with family friends. I didn't bowl mind you, I went as it was a social outing and because this particular place had Double Dragon. That was one of the first arcade games that I truly fell in love with. I think this was also around the time that games went from 20 cents to 40 cents. 100% increase, I was outraged! A few months on, and new machines kept appearing - Super Bubble Bobble, Bad Dudes vs dragon Ninja and then out of nowhere, a game that looked nothing like anything I had ever seen - Super Mario Bros. Yes, it was an arcade game before it appeared on the NES, and yes I fell in love with it immediately. God knows how much money I spent on that machine.. probably not much actually, I never had much money.

I could mention family holidays where I spent two weeks either in the games room, or in our caravan playing my NES but I wont. Well actually I just did, but thats all I will say about that. During my mid teens, I had become a true gamer. I had a NES, a SNES, a gameboy and would play mine or anyone else's consoles at any opportunity. In the town that I grew up in, an arcade had also opened, and the big game of the era was Street Fighter II. I would play that, New Zealand Story, The Simpsons and a bunch of other obscure games that this arcade had. Unfortunately the arcade quickly turned into a hang-out for undesirables and rumours had begun to spread that people were selling weed there. OMG DRUGS. The place was open for maybe a year, before closing down to the cries of "good riddance" from the backwards fucks that ran the place. At this point, I couldn't wait to get out of such a town.. but we are talking about games, I digress.

I used to spend a lot of time at my next door neighbors house throughout my teens years, and the vast majority of the time was spent playing games. NES, SNES mostly. I wasn't a Sega kid, but I knew other kids who were, so had access to play them. I also worked in a toy store during high school, and this particular one used to hire out games, so I could basically borrow any game I liked for free. As a result, I played a LOT of SNES games. I also once entered a Tetris competition and made it through to the final (held at Myer melbourne when they still had a roof top carnival). Unfortunately I was knocked out of the comp but won a Super mario t-shirt which I wore really only around the house. You see at this time in gaming history, whether you played console games or pc games, you were one in the same - a nerd. Gaming was NOT a cool past time, and gamers were marginalised. Well maybe not marginalised, but we were definitely a niche group. Looking back, there are upsides and downsides to this. When Sony released the Playstation and used marketing to make gaming seem cool, the entire game industry changed. It's because of this that we now get AAA titles like GTAIV, but it's also because of this that we now get AAA titles like, well pretty much everything EA and Ubisoft make. Shit games like Tombraider get more attention and sales than much better games because now they have a marketing budget. Uh oh, I'm digressing again.

N64, Playstation, Gamecube, PS2, Wii, DS, PS3, etc. I'm now in my 30's and two things have remained constant: my love for music and my love for games. Music: bands, songs, instruments are dotted throughout my life, providing mood to memories, or emotion to situations. For me games play a similar role. They evoke that extra depth when remembering a time and place, they take center stage in parts, they have played a huge role in who I am today and why I choose to study what I did at university. Sure it's nostalgia, but it's much more than that.

I think rather than try and choose 5 arcade games, I may write about games that I love and games that had a profound impact on me in future posts. Yes, but not right now.

electioneering

Like almost everyone I have spoken to, I am a disheartened, disenfranchised voter. I see the upcoming election as the worst one of my life, and possibly in the history of this country. For the first time, I am being forced to choose between two parties that essentially represent the same ideals. Gone are the days where the Libs looked after business to the detriment of workers rights. Gone are the days of the ALP protecting the worker, supporting the union movement, leaning slightly to the left. At some point, while I wasn't paying attention, both parties transformed into one in the same - vying for the vote of bogan Australia. The breeders from the outer suburbs - two cars, two plus kids, anxious about boat people threatening their capacity to live in a McMansion and consume like Paris Hilton would if she were a bogan from the suburbs. Worried about their children being exposed to the dangers of the internet, bullying, obesity, but think it's the government who are responsible for protecting them.

One party wants to censor everything and couldn't manage a thumb up their own arse. The other party wants to go back to the good old xenophobic days of J Ho, and cancel the one and only good thing to come out of an entire term of ALP rule: the NBN.

It's fucking depressing.

So what do you do? Well one positive thing to come out of this is that I now have a much greater understanding of how voting works in both the lower house and the senate. I understand preference voting and how the left over votes are distributed. I have a very clear understanding where all the major parties stand on a wide range of issues (thank you internet) and I even have my own how to vote card thanks to belowtheline.org.au.

Still, as I mentioned elsewhere, it's like being forced to choose between cancer and cat aids. My only hope is that the greens can win Melbourne (i'll try and help with that) and hold the balance of power. Perhaps then they can act as a filter and a representation of urban dwelling left-leaning intellectuals (well mostly). Surely if that is all I can hope for, then there is something broken in our political system? It's not like I have extreme or even fringe views on most issues. I just wish our politicians stopped pandering to John Q Bogan and acted a little more progressively and with more humanity.

Regardless, come this saturday we're fucked.